Reflections of a Falling Heart

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 I told myself to count the things that were different after I had surgery. I want to remember every bit of recovery. The tears have fallen so freely since April 2nd. I still can’t believe that I’m not fighting this battle anymore. I’m done calling doctors and done making appointments. I’m done filling out paperwork for this particular pain. I’m done. And God has provided. He has seen! El Roi.

I don’t tire of this Name. I begin my prayers to Him with El Roi.  But a couple weeks after surgery was complete—

After I could drink coffee and walk at the same time—

After I could take a long stroll down the road without doubling over—

After I could eat a full meal without a terrible stomachache—

After I could stand for long minutes at a time—

I realized that El Roi was so beautifully intimate to me.

I was brought to tears easily in the days following my surgery. I was so very thankful. I couldn’t sing hymns without tears surfacing. So many times, I just couldn’t think about my God without feeling intimacy and thankfulness intertwined.

But even after all this, I realized that I was becoming anxious. Anxious to know another Name of God.  Excited for what Name would unravel so intimately in my life. I am so very ready to discover a new Name…to make it mine. To claim another promise of God.

I am unsure what the Name will be. I don’t know what new journey I’m about to embark on. I can’t tell you the valleys I will feel or when the shadow of His wings will encompass me in comfort. But I do know that there will be another Name of God that I cling to. Another Name of God that will bring me to tears.

I was running a couple of weeks ago. I really shouldn’t have been, considering I was in the beginning stages of recovery. I’ve barely run for over a year, so my legs aren’t used to the momentum. As I ran, my legs didn’t know how to move that way, and I fell on the ground. Falling down never felt so good. I laughed by myself in the darkness around me. I laughed until the joy seeped out into my voice. I fell down laughing, because it was so much fun to run and fall and feel the ground in this way again.

And this falling down is how my heart feels in the presence of El Roi. I’ve fallen at His feet in complete joy. I’m laughing. I’m praising His name. I’m crying at the sound of His Name. And I’m running. Running to Him so that I fall at His feet in humility, in joy, in complete surrender. Because He knows my name. And I know His. El Roi.

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