And I Begin Again

It spread ever so quickly in my heart…as it always does. It ripped me in half and I had no idea. It said you’re not good enough and you can rest in that.  It said scream so I did.

And I screamed.

And I screamed.

And I screamed.

So here I am. I lay in the waste of my expectations, and I refuse to move for the disease has every part of me. I have succumbed to the flesh and let my heart loose in its selfish ambition. I am sick, so sick.  But I like my waste and I want to waste away within in it.

I am ripped in half, and deaf to my screams…the sound long making me numb and insensitive. I can only tell I’m screaming by the people around me who have their hands hard-pressed to their ears. The disease has overtaken me, and I desire no rest from it.

I walk on wobbly legs, but only to collect the pieces of her story, and her story, and her story. I pile them high in my dirty hands. I reek from selfishness. When I reach my pile of waste, I try to fit the collected pieces into my life.

But I can’t.

I CAN’T

I CAN’T.

I pass out from exertion and I want the blackness. The disease called ME has wrapped my life, and pulled me far, far into the soul shadows. And how many times have I written of this? How many times have I been here?

So many, for I am sick, so sick!

And I come back to my waste-like selfishness and I see the 1-dimensional, paper-thin pile that it is. Oh to burn this in the grace of God! Oh to wash away the charcoal expectations to see His glory and love.

pc: @marissatanisphotography

So I set matches to the pile again to make way for His grace. The sweet smell of smoke fills the air. It is the smoke called surrender. Grace replaces fire and fresh hope fills my soul. How many more times must this paper-thin pile be burned in the grace of God? How many more times will my heart be renewed?

As many times as I fall!

As many times as I turn back to God!

I sit on fresh-packed soil. The green buds already start their journey and push upon the roof of my heart. The waste-like selfishness dissipates to songs of praise.

And I begin again.


previously:

My Restless Heart

HOPE for My Heart

Letting My Hair Down in Surrender

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4 thoughts on “And I Begin Again

  1. kelsee727 says:

    I REALLY needed to read this post. I’m having the same struggle. I needed this reminder to keep on going and to pick myself up. Brighter days are coming.
    Thank you for sharing!

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