She Was Mad at God

She knew the right words, of course. She had drowned in grace upon grace and known the joy of a surrendered heart. She was seeking God with her whole life

And yet there were days in which she found herself lost in a desert place. Her world cracked around her, and lakes of grace became as a mirage. The shadows fell like heavy fleece blankets in summer, and she was weighted down by the impossible. Weary, lost, and hungry, she flattened her body against the hard dust.

Her blistered hands grasped at the dirt, but her eyes could not make the tears. So her body shook for the despair, and she lay defeated face-down in the desert. She could barely admit it to herself, but she was exhausted enough to say that she was mad at God.

Not just mad, but angry.

Angry at God. 

She chose the dust, over the promise. She chose dark blankets over freedom. She chose the storm, over the still water. But the tears still wouldn’t come. Her dry body shook, and she sank in the hard dust. Over and over again.

She lay flat in the desert, convinced that the anger was the answer. But a child of God cannot escape the truth and hope of Him. No matter how long she fought to stay defeated, she lost because victory is her real story. Victory is her song. And a tired, angry body turns slowly…toward the Son, toward the Hope. The light of truth breaks down defeated walls, and fills in widened heart chasms of pain.

And the beauty of her desert finally sprung forth in tears of sorrow. Because God never asked her not to feel the pain, and He never asked her to ignore it. He never said it was easy, and He never forgot her affliction. God knew every painful intricacy, and for all the days in her desert…He desired to be her Hope & Healing.

God stayed.

And she surrendered.

She gave up her defeat and confessed her  anger. The lovingkindness filled in her heart, and she could finally feel the pain alongside the hope. The tears of her sorrow came freely, but her body did not shake in despair. She did not lay flat in her desert, she knelt. But her arms did not fall limp, they spread outstretched welcoming the God of all comfort, the only Hope she had for this desolate place.

God did not remove her from the desert, but He helped her feel the pain with His promise ,and He let her cry with His hope. Anger could never be the answer, because she needed God to let her heart grieve. And because He knew her affliction and pain, she trusted Him with her sorrow.

She finally cried “Be with me here!”

And God said, as He always had,  “I have never left you and I never will!”


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Previously:

This Story of Hope

Married or Not (anxiety & healing)

You Have Permission to Be Brave

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