Marriage was A LOT different than I thought it would be! (I mean compared to the movie’s view or fairytale thinking). We worked opposite schedules which meant eating supper at 1 am some nights, then barely having any time together after work.
I think a lot of young couples get sucked into the thought that they have to make sure they are a perfect couple in front of people and on social media. I definitely felt that and tried to show just how “perfect” Jon and I were.
We were happy for sure, but we were just getting to know what marriage was all about. It’s not just the happy-go-lucky life. It’s two selfish, sinful people trying to get their worth out of their marriage and getting upset because the spouse didn’t care for them the way they had wanted.
Jon and I weren’t ever really in tune with each other’s needs in the beginning. I thought I was, but they were my perceived needs of his not the needs he actually had. I thought I knew exactly what he wanted & needed since I knew about the “normal” things a woman should do.
I was trying to figure out how to be the best wife ever (and thought I was succeeding), which ended in a lot of failed food (me sitting on the kitchen floor crying because I thought he didn’t like my food), and then getting upset when things weren’t how I pictured they would be.
I think expectations might be the thing I’ve learned most in marriage. I shouldn’t have expectations about certain things.
I can remember a specific time when I was genuinely upset with Jon because he didn’t meet my expectations….then I realized I hadn’t ever voiced my expectation for that evening! If I remember correctly, I was planning the night out in my head, and got upset because he had also done the same thing! How silly! If you want to plan a night with friends, be sure to mention it to your spouse!
I have also learned that the expectations I have for him can be hurtful if not voiced correctly to him, and vice versa! If he or I don’t meet an unvoiced expectation, it can make us feel like failures.
Basically, if there are ANY expectations, voice them. And don’t have them be too crazy. I mean, what if he expected you to put his laundry in a specific place in the top drawer (stupid illustration I know, shut up), but he never voiced that to you. ..wouldn’t that make you feel horrible? Like you were less of a wife than he expected?! But that is so, so silly.
A GREAT way to not ever have this problem is to just ASK HIM what is expected, or what he would like. And tell him to do the same for you. Realizing this has seriously removed a huge weight that I had. It makes you both feel so much better when you know what the other wants or expects. Communication, guys, that is honestly the key…in EVERYTHING.
I’ve looked back on a few books I’ve read, specifically Love and Respect, and it is just how he says. The crazy cycle in marriage….the wife doesn’t feel loved by her husband and she responds to his unloving talk/actions with a disrespectful response/attitude and he responds again without love, and she responds again without respect, and so on and so forth.
I have seen this play out in my marriage, and in my parents’ marriage as well. Don’t be selfish as a wife. Think about how your response & attitude toward your husband is making him feel. More often than not, my attitude towards Jon (especially if I’m annoyed with him) is not honoring or submissive.
Once your response & attitude is respectful, it will help him be loving and kind toward you. It seems SO simple, and it is. But it’s something I continually have to work at!
Jon and I are pretty much opposites. My family is big and loud (I have 8 siblings), and his is small and quiet (3 siblings). Jon hates the sun and would love to live in a cold, rainy place. I hate the rain and the cold, but love the sunshine and heat…most of the time.
I prefer bright, vibrant colors and Jon prefers black, gray, and other dark colors. I love fruits and vegetables, whereas Jon does not, but he is branching out and loving them more and more! 😀
We constantly pick on each other, but the picking is basically us telling the other how much we love them. I say something completely wrong and laugh a horribly embarrassing laugh, and Jon will mimic that laugh. We both burst out laughing while I pretend to be mad, but I can’t keep a straight face.
Jon and I have lots of fun! Looking through pictures on my phone, I realize we love hanging out….no matter what it is. And that is the biggest thing.
In our marriage, things are almost as different as our personalities. Our love languages are different like most people, but it seems like we’ve gotten in tune with each other’s needs and really enjoy giving each other the specific love that the other needs.
PART 2 coming tomorrow
(on overcoming their hardest season)