I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

Last year, God broke the ground of my heart. And it was broken hard. Cracked wide open, because that was the only way I was going to receive God the way He desired me. God wanted all of my delight. Every last bit. Nothing in part. Nothing halfway. So the ground of my heart was broken.

You guys have read about it. Over and over and over again. My heart was thirsty. And weary. And dry. When God broke my heart open, it wasn’t to bring me heartache. It was to give me His desire for me…. joy and hope and wholeness. I could only find my heart desires in God Himself. And I did!

It’s April now, and a year removed from that first breaking of heart ground. I don’t always realize just how much God has changed me until I’m digging through the hard soil in our yard, preparing a patched-up home for new flowers. My hands feel gritty, but the earth feels good. I can’t help but think how different these two springs have been for me…and how much life  has grown back rich and filled with God.

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What Kind of Hard Will You Choose?

Last year, while I trudged (and sometimes dragged) myself through the struggles, I realized something that changed the way I waged the war. In the midst of the valley, I found myself fighting for joy. I found myself fighting to keep my hope in God. I was fighting to keep my thoughts on reality, firmly fixed in the truth, and I was fighting against sadness. This fight was so tiresome….and so, so hard.

But when I decided to stop fighting for hours at at time, I just sunk in defeat. I sat mad at God. I said, this is despair, this is worthless, this is the deep hole I’m staying in. And you know what? That was absolutely hard…giving in to the flesh will only bring hardness to an already bruised heart.

A child of God cannot despair forever, the light always breaks through. The weary heart is washed in grace, and the fighting begins again. Thus a realization began to take root in my heart, which eventually grew into my life.

Simply the question–

Dear 13-Year-Old Me, You’re Gonna Love Ministry

Dear 13-year-old me,

You dreamed of the big stage and the bright lights. You had wild dreams and those dreams were worth pursuing, but somewhere along the way, actual life will happen and your bright light dreams will turn into totally different dreams. It will happen really slow and unexpectedly. It will be confusing at first, but eventually it will make sense.

You won’t need the big stage to be happy. You won’t need the bright lights for fulfillment. You’ll realize the best and only way to live. And your best living won’t happen on a stage. To be honest, God’s big plans for you will look rather small at first, but then they will grow without fear or regret. They will grow under grace and with great freedom. It will be like looking at a miracle and realizing you’re living one.