And I Begin Again

It spread ever so quickly in my heart…as it always does. It ripped me in half and I had no idea. It said you’re not good enough and you can rest in that.  It said scream so I did.

And I screamed.

And I screamed.

And I screamed.

So here I am. I lay in the waste of my expectations, and I refuse to move for the disease has every part of me. I have succumbed to the flesh and let my heart loose in its selfish ambition. I am sick, so sick.  But I like my waste and I want to waste away within in it. Continue reading

Cheyenne the Bride

Let’s describe this wedding in one word…FUN! My younger sister, Cheyenne, has always made any place brighter just by being there. Her smile and laugh are infectious, but despite all her fun vibes, she is an incredibly passionate and determined woman.

Cheyenne is far left. Hannah is middle. And I’m on the right.

Since she and her new husband have been childhood sweethearts, the majority of the wedding party had all gone through high school together. The dress rehearsal was full of laughs, and it was only more humorous and hysterical because they got married in the auditorium where we all had our high school graduations. You can only imagine the jokes flying back and forth!

Sweet memories!

After much laughing, pointing out old lockers, making lots and lots, and LOTS of jokes, the rehearsal was finally over. Who knows where the guys went, but the girls went back to the house, escaped to the infamous girls room, before I made iced coffee for the bridal party and headed off and away to watch a chic flick. We piled on a bed, and got extra close to enjoy friendship, girly stuff, and of course, more laughs!

But here comes the good part!

My sister, Hannah, wanted Cheyenne to wake up to flowers, Starbucks coffee, and a yummy breakfast. So, she plotted and rounded up me and my brother’s girlfriend to make the super secret trip into town to surprise our fun-loving sister. We rolled out of bed, moseyed our way into town, and (literally) wandered our way around the grocery store trying to find everything we needed.
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Letting Down My Hair in Surrender

You have read my words over the last few months and you know how I have struggled! God has given me strength and grace over and over again. I have had new life spring forth in my heart and I have let go….and let go…and let go.

But being a Christian isn’t a 1-2-3 zip it up process. So, while I have surrendered, I have also taken back. Haven’t we all? Oh, haven’t we all! And that is why this post isn’t just about my reflections, it’s also here to encourage you.

Because I need you to know that we are on this road together. And not a one of us has it all zipped up and put together.  A few weeks ago, Ben and I planned the fastest oceanside road trip you could imagine! We were going to go to Half Moon Bay and travel down the oh so beautiful Highway 1 in our old 90s truck. I was excited to spend time with Ben, and I had no idea the turning that my heart would do in less than 24 hours.

We parked at the hotel, ate at a seafood restaurant with an ocean view no less! Then, we walked ourselves down the shore with lots of  jokes and laughter.  I eventually decided to let my hair down.  I just wanted to enjoy the feel of the ocean air whipping my hair around. I wanted to let it free.

And I realized something amazing.

Isn’t it so wonderful that we can’t control life? I can’t snap my fingers and make it happen. I can’t squeeze myself into the story I want. I just can’t do it. I have no control. This thought would stir my heart into constant chaos if God wasn’t my Father.

But He is my father.

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